


lover, please stay

by f_luorescence



Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Hyungwonho was only implied, I think?, Is this angst, M/M, Other mx members were only mentioned, Post-Break Up, break-ups, changki
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-05
Updated: 2017-11-05
Packaged: 2019-01-29 10:53:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,574
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12629424
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/f_luorescence/pseuds/f_luorescence
Summary: Sometimes you just have to let go of the people you love.





	lover, please stay

**Author's Note:**

> hi! i also had this one sitting in my drafts and only finished it recently, just like my jenbin drabble. this one kinda hurts i guess?
> 
> listening to nothing but thieves' lover, please stay always makes me cry so here u go. listen to it while ure reading this, maybe itll double the pain lmao
> 
> so yeah, hope u enjoy it!

Most love stories start with a happy introduction and end with a happy ending, too — the protagonist first enters the scene, preferably with friends, and then said protagonist realizes how incomplete their life is, that's when the love interest comes swooping them off their feet and they live happily ever after.

But this love story starts with an end. An end to a relationship, to be specific. Changkyun knew it was gonna happen sooner or later, he just didn't know when exactly. Countless fights about the littlest things predated the dreaded separation, ranging from Changkyun forgetting his boyfriend — correction, now ex-boyfriend's favorite cereal, to hogging the blanket all to himself. He's exhausted, to say the least. He loves the man, he really does, but he just can't live with his former lover scolding him for every little thing he does. So he walks away, he stands up and walks away, not glancing back, afraid that if he does, he'll see the tears glassing his eyes and Changkyun, with his fragile heart, will come back and claim him again.

The tears don't fall until Changkyun is back at their shared apartment and he's packing his stuff. It doesn't break free until he opens the room to their bedroom and all of the memories come back to him. It smells of his beloved's perfume, the scent clinging onto him like his ex's arms used to. He is reminded of the way the man would always come from behind, arms encircling his waist, nose nuzzling his neck. He can almost feel it, as if he's there, but he isn't, and those memories are all he has left.

 

* * *

 

When Changkyun arrives at his parents' doorsteps, he gives them the lamest excuse for his sudden visit:  _vacation_. Oddly enough, his parents buy it, not asking him further questions and just hugging him.

His luggage sits idly at the corner of his room while he lies on his bed, eyes staring at the glaring bulb at the ceiling. He closes his eyes for a second, sighing loudly. A second turns into a minute, and a minute turns into an hour. Soon, the brunet is snoring and has already gone off to dreamland.

In this dream, Changkyun is happy with his love life. Everything is rainbows and sunshine, and flowers and trees — everything is perfect. In this dream, Changkyun never left. In this dream, Changkyun stayed. But it's just a dream, a figment of his subconscious, a mirror of his desires. A fantasy far from his reality.

 

* * *

 

Changkyun's eyes flutter open, the blinding light of the sun forcing him to squint. A knock rings through the door before it opens and reveals his mother.

Changkyun sits as his mother does next to him. She asks, "You were crying last night, and you kept on calling his name in your sleep. Is everything okay?"

The brunet's eyebrows knit together, confused as to why he would be crying when his dream was a complete 180° of his reality, when it was all he ever wanted his relationship to be.

"Yeah, mom. I probably just miss him," Changkyun (partly) lies through his teeth. And although he knows his mother can see right through him, he silently wishes that she doesn't interrogate him more, wanting to deal with this alone. He never talked to his parents about his problems anyway, so there really isn't anything different.

His mother nods, her eye wrinkles showing as she smiles sweetly at him. She presses a light kiss on his temple before saying, "Okay. Come downstairs when you're all set, breakfast is ready."

He nods.

 

* * *

 

Changkyun lies in a bathtub, only his face not submerged in the water. He was the one who broke it off, so what right does he have to feel this way? How can he get all sulky and sad after he broke the other's heart? But, come to think of it, during the course of their relationship, it was Changkyun's heart that kept on getting constantly broken. He knows his ex-boyfriend loved him, he just never made the effort to make Changkyun feel it.

Maybe he's just saying these things to make him feel better about himself and not get eaten away with guilt, but it works.

 

* * *

 

Changkyun's supposed vacation went on until a month. If he had a choice, he would've moved out a week after he came back. But he couldn't find any available apartment, and feared that if he ever came back to Seoul, he would be reminded of his beloved everywhere he goes.

After his father had gone to work, Changkyun's mother sat him down on the living room couch.

"I knew ever since you came back with all your luggage that something was wrong. So, tell me, Changkyun, did something happen between you and Kihyun?"

Hearing his ex's name made his ears hurt. A month later and he still hasn't moved on from everything, he's still standing where he was a month ago. Falling out of love with the man wasn't as easy as it was to fall in love with him, not after all they've been through.

He sometimes wonders if the other has found a new guy to replace him with. He remembers Kihyun telling him how easy it is for him to move on when they were still friends. Changkyun had admired how proud the raven-haired was, but now he's just scared. So many _what if's_ flooded his mind — _What if he didn't really love me? What if he just made me believe that he loved me? What if he's moved on already and has a man beside him who'll cater to his every need? What if I don't ever stop loving him? What if it_ never stops hurting _?_

"I broke up with him, mom. I just couldn't take it anymore," Changkyun replies.

"Does it still hurt?" Mrs. Im asks, fingers combing the stray hairs away from her son's face.

"Badly." Changkyun looks down at his fidgeting fingers. And almost inaudibly, he says, "I still love him."

His mom envelops him in a hug, hands caressing his back in an attempt to calm him down. "It's gonna be okay, don't worry."

He nods.

"I'm sorry to tell you this so suddenly, but is it okay with you if his parents come over for dinner tonight? I couldn't cancel because we've planned this a week before you came back, but if it isn't, it's okay," Changkyun's mom asks after she lets go from the hug, concerned eyes trained on her son's face.

"No, it's okay, I'll just go out or something. I'm not really ready to face them. I don't think I'll be able to handle it if they ask me anything related to Kihyun-hyung." He sighs.

 

* * *

 

"Mom, I'm going. I'll text you when I get back," Changkyun cries as he exits the front door, hands in the pockets of his coat.

He walks, his boot-clad feet leading him to where he used to stay at when he's dealing with more problems than he can handle. Before he goes there though, he stops at a convenience store first. He goes straight to the alcohol section, the aisle offering him a wide variety of fermented drinks. He grabs six bottles of soju, even though he could normally only get to three. He figures that buying an extra three won't hurt him. He could always bring it home and drink it when he's reminded of the black-haired beauty he left back in Seoul.

He walks towards the counter with a sleeping cashier. He chuckles at the sight, the happiness really isn't that evident, but it's there. At least a little.

The bottles make a clinking sound when he places it on the counter, the cashier jolting awake. "I did not eat your ramyeon, hyung, I did not!" The sleepyhead, whom Changkyun recognizes to be Hyungwon, points a finger at him, probably still dreaming.

"Hyung, if you sleep at work, you'll get robbed," the younger says with a tone of laughter in his voice.

"What?" Hyungwon asks, eyes still dazed from the dream as he fixes his glasses on his nose.

"Uh, if you could maybe do your job and like, toot this out, that would be great, thanks," he answers, imitating the sound of the bar code sensor.

"Oh." Hyungwon looks at the green bottles in front of him, then up at Changkyun, then back at the bottles. "Oh, I see."

"Yes," Changkyun says slowly, then continues, "and I would really like it if I could pay for these now."

"Oh, yeah, right." The other laughs awkwardly before scanning the codes on the side of the bottles.

"Hyung, what are you doing handling the cash register of your own convenience store? You literally own the whole franchising company."

"I'm here for a vacation with Hoseok-hyung, but we don't have anything to do back at the house, so I'm here checking goods out while he's back there managing the stocks." Hyungwon jabs his thumb in the direction of the stock room. "Hoseokkie, Changkyun's here. Say hi!" He yells.

"Hi, Changkyunnie!" Hoseok yells back, not bothering to get out of the room.

Changkyun responds with a simple hello, then proceeds to pay for the items.

"Just call us when you need someone to talk to, okay?"

Changkyun just nods at Hyungwon's offer. He dashes out of the store as soon as he's handed the plastic bag containing the bottles. He walks a little faster than he did earlier, desperate to feel the bitter liquid running down and scratching the linings of his throat.

By the time he reaches his spot, the sun has already set, the sky only offering him the moon and the stars. He sits down in an Indian seating position on his coat that he laid down on the grass, setting the bag of bottles down beside him.

He takes his first gulp of the clear liquid, feeling the heat make its way down his throat and into his stomach.

He remembers Kihyun arriving home from university. Changkyun was sitting on the kitchen floor, crying his eyes out.

_"Changkyunnie?" Kihyun said when he found the brunet with a half-empty vodka bottle in hand. The worry in his eyes hadn't slipped from Changkyun's view, despite being drunk out of his head._

_"Babe, I failed my finals exam in my most important subject. I failed, hyung. What am I – what am I gonna do? What if become an irregular student? What are people gonna think of me? What are people gonna think of_ you _? You're dating some failure — a frustrated physicist!"_

_Kihyun grabbed the bottle in his hand before he could even take another drink, then places it on the counter top. He sits in front of Changkyun and opens his arms wide. "Come here," said Kihyun._

_Changkyun sniffled, then sat on the other's lap. "I'm sorry."_

_Kihyun kissed his forehead, then his eyes, his nose, cheeks, and then his lips. "One failed exam doesn't mean you're a failure. Hell, you can fail all your exams and you still wouldn't be a failure. You haven't given up, have you?" Changkyun shook his head. "Then that's good enough for me. Don't ever think I'd be ashamed of dating you. I love you, Changkyun, and don't ever think otherwise."_

_Changkyun looked up at him and said, "I love you, too." He kissed him, soft and slow and pure. Kihyun didn't seem to mind the hand behind his neck and playing with his hair, or the taste of vodka on his tongue and staining his lips, because it was Changkyun, and he was all he ever wanted._

"But it's just a memory now, isn't it," he mutters to himself, then shakes his head.

Not long after opening his first bottle, Changkyun's already on his second. It reminds him of his first time drinking. He was as reckless in drinking as he is tonight, but he wasn't a good drinker then — not that he is now, but he couldn't control his alcohol and didn't know tricks and cheats to slow down the effect of the alcohol. He was with Kihyun, Jooheon, Hyungwon, Shownu, Minhyuk, and Hoseok. Basically, his whole group of friends. It was his first day into legality and his hyungs never passed up the chance to get drunk, it being Changkyun's first time made them even more excited. He can't remember much, really. Everything's a drunken haze, although he does remember Kihyun taking care of him when everyone else (including himself) was drunk out of their heads. To be quite honest, Kihyun's concerned face staring at him while he ran his hand through Changkyun's hair was all the latter could think of the next day. He can still remember the memory vividly to this day; it brings a bitter smile to the brunet's lips.

The memory alone was enough for Changkyun to down the second bottle and open a new one. Not really a wise decision, but what do you expect from a heartbroken man trying to forget his fucking first love?

"Hey," a voice calls from behind him.

Changkyun's eyebrows furrow. He lifts the bottle to his eye level, surely he hasn't drank that much yet to be hearing things. A minute of silence passes so Changkyun just shrugs and takes a gulp of the bitter liquid.

"Changkyun," the same voice — a very familiar voice that he just couldn't quite tell whose — calls again from behind him.

_Who is it? Whose voice?_

The brunet takes another swift gulp of the alcohol. "Ah!" He exclaims in the most epiphanic tone a drunk man possibly can. He whirls his body around to face the person behind him. "Kihyun-hyung!"

As happy as he seems right now, Changkyun knows that he's far from it. Truth be told, he doesn't even know why he  _sounds_ happy to see his ex.  _It's just the alcohol talking,_ he thinks. 

A puppy, Changkyun reminds Kihyun of a puppy — a lost, cute puppy that he misses so much. And he's so fucking sorry, because despite how innocent the younger looks right now, the pain Kihyun caused him is still evident in his eyes.

Kihyun lays his coat beside Changkyun's, then asks, "Do you mind if I sit here?"

He looks up at the older; head cocked to the side and voice slurred, he replies, "Whether I agree or not, I don't really have a choice, do I?"

The response makes Kihyun smile, his mind travelling back to when the two of them would have playful banters about the littlest things, and Changkyun would always let him win. _"_ _Okay, you're right. You win. It's not like I'm gonna win against you, anyway,"_ he would always say. But they don't have that anymore. In retrospect, the last two months leading to their break-up only consisted of serious fights, but just like in their playful banters, it was Changkyun who conceded.

Maybe Kihyun was too stubborn and proud to let the other win, or maybe Changkyun just loved him too much to let him lose. Or maybe it was both.

Not like it mattered now, right? He's lost him already and he sure isn't gonna get him back — not after what he did to him.

Kihyun settles himself beside Changkyun, three unopened bottles between them. He gazes at the sky the town offered, full of bright, twinkling stars. Funny, how on the exact same day last year, the two of them were stargazing on their apartment building's rooftop, both so happy and in love. Who would've thought that they'd be here now, broken up and lonely, and maybe a little less in love.

"Do you remember when—" 

"Yes, hyung, I remember. I remember everything clearly. You don't have to remind me," Changkyun spat, each word dripping with venom. He doesn't realize the harshness of his words, not until the older keeps his head down and mutters a weak apology.

 _It's just the alcohol talking,_ he thinks again. 

Changkyun grabs another bottle and opens it, then passes it to the man next to him. He watches as the other takes a swig of the soju. Kihyun dyed his hair blond, Changkyun notices, if not for the moonlight shining down on him. He still looks beautiful as ever, but Kihyun probably already knows that so Changkyun just keeps it to himself.

"So," the brunet starts, holding his bottle with two hands as he stares at it. "What are you doing here?"

Kihyun smirks, not a sly one, as most would, but a regretful and apologetic one. "I was kinda hoping you'd never ask," he replies.

Changkyun doesn't make a move to talk, instead gazes at him with those eyes he loved — _loves_ so much. He takes this as a cue to continue. He says;

"I wanted to say sorry. And I know that it's too late and that I hurt you already, but I still want to apologize. I know it will never be enough and I'll never forgive myself for doing that to you. I'm just — I'm so fucking stupid for treating you like that, you know? And you deserve better than me, you deserve someone who doesn't throw tantrums and gets mad at every single thing.

"I don't know what happened to me, why I became like this. I wasn't a piece of shit before, and _god,_ it sounds so much like self-pity and you know how much I hate that, but it affected both of us, you, most of all. I don't know what to do, and how to make you stop hurting. And I'm sorry. That's all I can ever seem to fucking say, _Jesus —_ it's—" Kihyun bites his trembling lips to stop the tears from flooding his eyes, because he _can't_ see Changkyun when everything's blurry and dark, and he doesn't want to let the tears flow because letting it flow also means letting go — letting go of all the memories he made with Changkyun; letting go _of Changkyun_. He doesn't want to let go, he just wants everything to be okay and for everything to go back to the way they were a year before. And it's selfish to want all of these after everything that's happened, but Kihyun had always been selfish, and maybe that's what drove them apart.

"Hyung—" the concern in Changkyun's voice makes Kihyun sick. How, after all the pain that he had caused him, can he still be concerned about him?

"Changkyun," Kihyun cuts him off, wiping the few stray tears that managed to escape. "Why–why did you break up with me?" He knows the answer already, but he wants to hear it from Changkyun himself, he wants Changkyun to hurt him with his words like Kihyun used to do to him before.

The younger stares at him then gazes at the moon before them. He answers, "People get tired, hyung. _I_ get tired. The same stubbornness I fell in love with was what pushed me away. I guess what people say is right: _'the trait that made you fall in love is what's gonna set you apart.'_ " He scoffs. "I used to believe that I'd never get tired and that I'd always be patient and understanding." Changkyun looks at Kihyun then, he has never looked more exhausted than he has before. His eyes are hopeless and glassy, but Kihyun can't do anything but stare. With a shaky voice, Changkyun says, "I thought I could do it, hyung. I thought that I could do it for both of us, I'd hold us down. But it turns out that I can't. No matter how much I try to endure, I just _can't_." Changkyun bowed his head, his hands supporting the weight of his throbbing forehead, and the tears do not stop from streaming.

Now he thinks that it isn't the alcohol talking.

"I'm so sorry. I don't know what to do to make it better, t–to make it up to you. I'm just s– _so fucking sorry,_ " Kihyun manages to say. He's a stuttering mess, and his lisp is even more evident. He empties the soju bottle of its contents, and opens another one, downing half of it. His throat feels like it's on fire but he couldn't care less, because the pain he's experiencing right now is nothing compared to what Changkyun is feeling.

Kihyun stands up and sits in front of the brunet. He grabs the now empty bottle from Changkyun's lap and sets it aside. Kihyun taps his shoulder, making him look up. The blond has his arms beside him, inviting Changkyun for a hug. "For old time's sake?" An apologetic, yet somehow inviting smile is on Kihyun's lips when he says this. _Perhaps, this is the only way for us to move on,_ he thinks.

Changkyun crawls onto Kihyun's lap, his nose nuzzled safely into Kihyun's neck. The crying doesn't stop, but it's gone down from violent hiccups and uncontrolled sobs to steady breaths and silent crying. He has his arms hanging on Kihyun's nape, his hands playing with his hair, a habit he clearly hasn't grown out of.

"Can you stay here with me tonight," Changkyun says.

"Changkyun, I—"

"Can you let me win, just this time," the brunet desperately pleads.

 _Just this time,_  Kihyun repeats in his head as he holds back the tears from falling because he knows that despite still being in love with each other, _this time_ is the _last time._

"Okay," he says.

**Author's Note:**

> im sorry.


End file.
